Friday, June 30, 2006 

Link

The rare world of linkage from the Glacier brings you this

http://health.msn.com/healthnews/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100138628&GT1=8211

I feel vindicated. As possibly the only male in his late twenties never to have owned a cell phone, and feeling nothing but pure hatred (hyperbole) for cell phone users, this is a justification. Now that we are all interconnected with everyone, e-tasking, talking, driving, eating, smoking, piped in music, honking, lights, brakes, stop, go, hands-free, hands-full, 0-60, 60-0, I SAY STOP.

FUCK IT, I'm walking...

6/30/2006 05:12:00 PM | |

Thursday, June 22, 2006 

Satire

It occurred to me the other day to write a satirical piece, so, here it is.
The Trial (no I'm not ripping off Kafka)
The scene is a small Colorado courtroom, two lawyers, a judge, the defendant and the court stenographer.

Judge: I see the defendant has waived his right to a trial by jury, and has opted for a bench trial.
Lawyer for Defense: That is correct.
Judge: And what are the charges?
Prosecutor: The people charge Mr. Bates with murder in the first degree.
Judge: And how do you plead, Mr. Bates?
Defendant (Mr. Bates): Not guilty.
Judge: Let's here the arguments.
Pros.: Well, you honor, we have the dead body of the victim, the murder weapon, and we have Mr. Bates' fingerprints all over the murder weapon. We have the receipt from the gun store that Mr. Bates purchased the weapon. We have seventeen witnesses that saw Mr. Bates pull the trigger. We have the traffic camera video footage of Mr. Bates pulling the trigger. You can see exhibits, A, B, C, D, E, F, and G.
Judge: Anything further?
Pros.: No, as you can see, the evidence speaks for itself.
Judge: Is there anything the defense would like to say to this?
LforD: Well, your honor . . .
Mr. Bates: If I may, your honor . . .
Judge: Yes?
Mr. Bates: It was self defense. I never denied killing the man.
Judge: Explain.
Mr. Bates: Well, your honor, you see, he was a Methodist.
Judge: And?
Mr. Bates: Well it started last year when I lived in California. There was this Methodist...
Pros.: Relevance?
Judge: I'll allow it, provided it is going somewhere, Mr. Bates.
Mr. Bates: Well when I lived in California my neighbor was a Methodist. We didn't get along. He said all sorts of mean things to me over the fence between the yards. And one day, when I was backing out of the driveway to go to work, I backed into his garbage cans. Spilled it everywhere.
Judge: As fascinating as this is, what, exactly, is the point?
Mr. Bates: Well, he threatened me, and said all sorts of horrible things. And while I wasn't looking at work, he drove his car into my fence, and knocked the whole thing over.
Judge: What does your old neighbor have to do with anything?
Mr. Bates: Well, just like the man I killed in self-defense, he was a Methodist. In fact, I have reason to believe they were in on trying to kill me together.
Judge: Why is that?
Mr. Bates: They were both Methodist, and neither liked me.
Judge: How did you know the victim?
Mr. Bates: A couple of months ago, we bumped into each other outside the grocery store by my house. He was mad because I 'made' him drop his dozen eggs.
Judge: And?
Mr. Bates: Well, I followed him for a couple of days and saw him going into the Methodist church. I knew then and there that the eggs could be no accident.
Judge: How is that?
Mr. Bates: Well, I started seeing him frequently, since I was following him, and he kept getting angry at me. In fear, I bought the gun that you see the receipt for, and that my finger prints are all over. That gun I purchased so that I might not be the victim again, like when my fence was destroyed, killing my begonias.
Judge: So what happened the day that you shot him?
Mr. Bates: Well, he saw me following him, so I hid. He came and found me, and yelled a lot. I told him that I knew that he was in league with my old neighbor, and that they were plotting my death. I told him that I would never let my fence be knocked down again, that my begonias would always be safe. I told him that my way of life was worthwhile, and no one would stop me from leading it, and I shot him.
Judge: That's it?
Mr. Bates: Yes, that it. But more: It was a pre-emptive strike, saving my fence, my flowers, even myself from death. Your honor, this is the clearest case of self-defense. I was protecting those who couldn't protect themselves (my flowers), protecting my fence, my way of life.
Judge: Anything further from the useless lawyers?
Pros.: Nope.
LforD.: Nope here.
Judge: Then I find the defendant, Geoff William Bates, not guilty of murder.
Pros.: What!?
LforD.: WHAT!?
Stenographer: What??
Judge: Yes, I believe he was perfectly justified. I'd have done the same thing myself. Methodists. . .
LforD (aside to Bates): I'm glad we opted for the bench trial. You're lucky to get off. I doubt we could have found twelve Americans who would've bought that shit.

6/22/2006 09:27:00 PM | |

Sunday, June 18, 2006 

Father's Day Ramblings

Well, another year has gone by as we return to the Hallmark holiday where the sun beats down, barbecues are the rule, and middle aged men wear stupid t-shirts. It's kind of weak compared to mother's day, if you look at retail sales, and no one really takes it seriously any way. Thankfully my children are not old enough to get me some crappy tie or other such garbage. But, given we move and live in the culture of our times, I used the chorus of "happy father's day" from the boys to inform them of the impending arrival of their new sibling. Andy, in his typical mania, seemed overjoyed (if his jumping around the kitchen was any indication), but John, well, he seemed concerned. Poor boy already has Andy and Sara to look after, I can imagine the weight of the impending responsibility (or so it seemed to occur to his four and a half year old mind). Well, tough luck. He's had a brother since he was just turned one, he should be used to it. On the lighter side, both he and his brother want another brother. I can't say I blame them. Sara is so spoiled (sadly, mostly by John anyway) that they couldn't really want a sister (unless they have latent masochistic tendencies). If they have masochistic tendencies, they sure come by it honestly - look Erin and I will have four children five and under this coming November. History of telling people my wife is pregnant:
1st time: "Congratulations!" (thanks)
2nd time: "So soon?" (sure looks like it mr. obvious)
3rd time: "Another one?" (No, I just put Andy back in, dumbass)
miscarriage: "Probably for the best" (fuck off)
4th time: "So when are you getting fixed?" (well, since you had elective surgery - lobotomy...)
I didn't make up the last one, either. So what are the highlights of fatherhood? Teaching your boys at four and three to say "I have apodictic certitude" (like good Kantians) to answer the question "are you sure?" Teaching them - in the previous year - to sing the alphabet backwards. When Andy was two he could totally pass a field sobriety test. Fatherhood - teaching important life lessons. Now the three of us are working on the "Our Father". It seems to be going well. John's already got it down pretty well.
But lest everyone think that fatherhood is all work and no play, I must say, well, hmm. . . anyone who knows me knows I fuck off all of the time. Now I have an audience, and accomplices. Life is much better with a studio audience - complete with applause. I honestly don't know how older people do this. I have a lot of energy still, but at forty - who knows. You need a lot of energy when your house is as populous as mine. The hardest part is cracking a beer without the beer vultures (otherwise known as Andy and John) attempting to beg a sip - they are very persistent. I usually have to give a teeny swallow just to get them physically off of me. C'est la vie.
So, father's day. If you're a father already, I toast my cup of coffee to you right now. If you aren't, well, better luck next year. . .

6/18/2006 09:16:00 AM | |

Sunday, June 11, 2006 

Hmm . . .

Shall this blog live?
Are we nearing blogular suicide (blogocide)?
Have I, after all these years of prattling on, verbally and via keyboard, finally ran out of anything even mildly interesting to say?
It seems.

Back in the day, "Beitiathustra" was a joke at my expense. Cheers to assimilatiodei, you were all-to-correct. It finally looks like the joke has come full circle and the rant has petered out.

Not with a bang but a whimper?

6/11/2006 10:27:00 AM | |