from the glacier

Well, another year has gone by as we return to the Hallmark holiday where the sun beats down, barbecues are the rule, and middle aged men wear stupid t-shirts. It's kind of weak compared to mother's day, if you look at retail sales, and no one really takes it seriously any way. Thankfully my children are not old enough to get me some crappy tie or other such garbage. But, given we move and live in the culture of our times, I used the chorus of "happy father's day" from the boys to inform them of the impending arrival of their new sibling. Andy, in his typical mania, seemed overjoyed (if his jumping around the kitchen was any indication), but John, well, he seemed concerned. Poor boy already has Andy and Sara to look after, I can imagine the weight of the impending responsibility (or so it seemed to occur to his four and a half year old mind). Well, tough luck. He's had a brother since he was just turned one, he should be used to it. On the lighter side, both he and his brother want another brother. I can't say I blame them. Sara is so spoiled (sadly, mostly by John anyway) that they couldn't really want a sister (unless they have latent masochistic tendencies). If they have masochistic tendencies, they sure come by it honestly - look Erin and I will have four children five and under this coming November. History of telling people my wife is pregnant:

1st time: "Congratulations!" (thanks)

2nd time: "So soon?" (sure looks like it mr. obvious)

3rd time: "Another one?" (No, I just put Andy back in, dumbass)

miscarriage: "Probably for the best" (fuck off)
4th time: "So when are you getting fixed?" (well, since you had elective surgery - lobotomy...)

I didn't make up the last one, either. So what are the highlights of fatherhood? Teaching your boys at four and three to say "I have apodictic certitude" (like good Kantians) to answer the question "are you sure?" Teaching them - in the previous year - to sing the alphabet backwards. When Andy was two he could totally pass a field sobriety test. Fatherhood - teaching important life lessons. Now the three of us are working on the "Our Father". It seems to be going well. John's already got it down pretty well.

But lest everyone think that fatherhood is all work and no play, I must say, well, hmm. . . anyone who knows me knows I fuck off all of the time. Now I have an audience, and accomplices. Life is much better with a studio audience - complete with applause. I honestly don't know how older people do this. I have a lot of energy still, but at forty - who knows. You need a lot of energy when your house is as populous as mine. The hardest part is cracking a beer without the beer vultures (otherwise known as Andy and John) attempting to beg a sip - they are very persistent. I usually have to give a teeny swallow just to get them physically off of me. C'est la vie.

So, father's day. If you're a father already, I toast my cup of coffee to you right now. If you aren't, well, better luck next year. . .