Satire
It occurred to me the other day to write a satirical piece, so, here it is.
The Trial (no I'm not ripping off Kafka)
The scene is a small Colorado courtroom, two lawyers, a judge, the defendant and the court stenographer.
Judge: I see the defendant has waived his right to a trial by jury, and has opted for a bench trial.
Lawyer for Defense: That is correct.
Judge: And what are the charges?
Prosecutor: The people charge Mr. Bates with murder in the first degree.
Judge: And how do you plead, Mr. Bates?
Defendant (Mr. Bates): Not guilty.
Judge: Let's here the arguments.
Pros.: Well, you honor, we have the dead body of the victim, the murder weapon, and we have Mr. Bates' fingerprints all over the murder weapon. We have the receipt from the gun store that Mr. Bates purchased the weapon. We have seventeen witnesses that saw Mr. Bates pull the trigger. We have the traffic camera video footage of Mr. Bates pulling the trigger. You can see exhibits, A, B, C, D, E, F, and G.
Judge: Anything further?
Pros.: No, as you can see, the evidence speaks for itself.
Judge: Is there anything the defense would like to say to this?
LforD: Well, your honor . . .
Mr. Bates: If I may, your honor . . .
Judge: Yes?
Mr. Bates: It was self defense. I never denied killing the man.
Judge: Explain.
Mr. Bates: Well, your honor, you see, he was a Methodist.
Judge: And?
Mr. Bates: Well it started last year when I lived in California. There was this Methodist...
Pros.: Relevance?
Judge: I'll allow it, provided it is going somewhere, Mr. Bates.
Mr. Bates: Well when I lived in California my neighbor was a Methodist. We didn't get along. He said all sorts of mean things to me over the fence between the yards. And one day, when I was backing out of the driveway to go to work, I backed into his garbage cans. Spilled it everywhere.
Judge: As fascinating as this is, what, exactly, is the point?
Mr. Bates: Well, he threatened me, and said all sorts of horrible things. And while I wasn't looking at work, he drove his car into my fence, and knocked the whole thing over.
Judge: What does your old neighbor have to do with anything?
Mr. Bates: Well, just like the man I killed in self-defense, he was a Methodist. In fact, I have reason to believe they were in on trying to kill me together.
Judge: Why is that?
Mr. Bates: They were both Methodist, and neither liked me.
Judge: How did you know the victim?
Mr. Bates: A couple of months ago, we bumped into each other outside the grocery store by my house. He was mad because I 'made' him drop his dozen eggs.
Judge: And?
Mr. Bates: Well, I followed him for a couple of days and saw him going into the Methodist church. I knew then and there that the eggs could be no accident.
Judge: How is that?
Mr. Bates: Well, I started seeing him frequently, since I was following him, and he kept getting angry at me. In fear, I bought the gun that you see the receipt for, and that my finger prints are all over. That gun I purchased so that I might not be the victim again, like when my fence was destroyed, killing my begonias.
Judge: So what happened the day that you shot him?
Mr. Bates: Well, he saw me following him, so I hid. He came and found me, and yelled a lot. I told him that I knew that he was in league with my old neighbor, and that they were plotting my death. I told him that I would never let my fence be knocked down again, that my begonias would always be safe. I told him that my way of life was worthwhile, and no one would stop me from leading it, and I shot him.
Judge: That's it?
Mr. Bates: Yes, that it. But more: It was a pre-emptive strike, saving my fence, my flowers, even myself from death. Your honor, this is the clearest case of self-defense. I was protecting those who couldn't protect themselves (my flowers), protecting my fence, my way of life.
Judge: Anything further from the useless lawyers?
Pros.: Nope.
LforD.: Nope here.
Judge: Then I find the defendant, Geoff William Bates, not guilty of murder.
Pros.: What!?
LforD.: WHAT!?
Stenographer: What??
Judge: Yes, I believe he was perfectly justified. I'd have done the same thing myself. Methodists. . .
LforD (aside to Bates): I'm glad we opted for the bench trial. You're lucky to get off. I doubt we could have found twelve Americans who would've bought that shit.
Lawyer for Defense: That is correct.
Judge: And what are the charges?
Prosecutor: The people charge Mr. Bates with murder in the first degree.
Judge: And how do you plead, Mr. Bates?
Defendant (Mr. Bates): Not guilty.
Judge: Let's here the arguments.
Pros.: Well, you honor, we have the dead body of the victim, the murder weapon, and we have Mr. Bates' fingerprints all over the murder weapon. We have the receipt from the gun store that Mr. Bates purchased the weapon. We have seventeen witnesses that saw Mr. Bates pull the trigger. We have the traffic camera video footage of Mr. Bates pulling the trigger. You can see exhibits, A, B, C, D, E, F, and G.
Judge: Anything further?
Pros.: No, as you can see, the evidence speaks for itself.
Judge: Is there anything the defense would like to say to this?
LforD: Well, your honor . . .
Mr. Bates: If I may, your honor . . .
Judge: Yes?
Mr. Bates: It was self defense. I never denied killing the man.
Judge: Explain.
Mr. Bates: Well, your honor, you see, he was a Methodist.
Judge: And?
Mr. Bates: Well it started last year when I lived in California. There was this Methodist...
Pros.: Relevance?
Judge: I'll allow it, provided it is going somewhere, Mr. Bates.
Mr. Bates: Well when I lived in California my neighbor was a Methodist. We didn't get along. He said all sorts of mean things to me over the fence between the yards. And one day, when I was backing out of the driveway to go to work, I backed into his garbage cans. Spilled it everywhere.
Judge: As fascinating as this is, what, exactly, is the point?
Mr. Bates: Well, he threatened me, and said all sorts of horrible things. And while I wasn't looking at work, he drove his car into my fence, and knocked the whole thing over.
Judge: What does your old neighbor have to do with anything?
Mr. Bates: Well, just like the man I killed in self-defense, he was a Methodist. In fact, I have reason to believe they were in on trying to kill me together.
Judge: Why is that?
Mr. Bates: They were both Methodist, and neither liked me.
Judge: How did you know the victim?
Mr. Bates: A couple of months ago, we bumped into each other outside the grocery store by my house. He was mad because I 'made' him drop his dozen eggs.
Judge: And?
Mr. Bates: Well, I followed him for a couple of days and saw him going into the Methodist church. I knew then and there that the eggs could be no accident.
Judge: How is that?
Mr. Bates: Well, I started seeing him frequently, since I was following him, and he kept getting angry at me. In fear, I bought the gun that you see the receipt for, and that my finger prints are all over. That gun I purchased so that I might not be the victim again, like when my fence was destroyed, killing my begonias.
Judge: So what happened the day that you shot him?
Mr. Bates: Well, he saw me following him, so I hid. He came and found me, and yelled a lot. I told him that I knew that he was in league with my old neighbor, and that they were plotting my death. I told him that I would never let my fence be knocked down again, that my begonias would always be safe. I told him that my way of life was worthwhile, and no one would stop me from leading it, and I shot him.
Judge: That's it?
Mr. Bates: Yes, that it. But more: It was a pre-emptive strike, saving my fence, my flowers, even myself from death. Your honor, this is the clearest case of self-defense. I was protecting those who couldn't protect themselves (my flowers), protecting my fence, my way of life.
Judge: Anything further from the useless lawyers?
Pros.: Nope.
LforD.: Nope here.
Judge: Then I find the defendant, Geoff William Bates, not guilty of murder.
Pros.: What!?
LforD.: WHAT!?
Stenographer: What??
Judge: Yes, I believe he was perfectly justified. I'd have done the same thing myself. Methodists. . .
LforD (aside to Bates): I'm glad we opted for the bench trial. You're lucky to get off. I doubt we could have found twelve Americans who would've bought that shit.
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